mlove thoughts

eyelashes!

2012-01-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

tulips

2011-10-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

hi

2011-10-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

LAX

2008-07-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

airports and i are becoming good friends. while my trip to the states has been fantastic, i have to say that the travel to and from has been less than smooth.

on the way over, united cancelled my connecting flight in san fran and put me on the red eye to chicago. so, i got to spend 12 hours at san francisco airport, after spending about 16 hours getting there.

and now, on my way home, my united flight to los angeles got delayed so i missed my connecting flight to auckland. air new zealand (how i love thee) put me up at the hilton for the night and now i'm sitting in the air nz lounge at lax. of course, i had to check out of the hotel at noon and my flight isn't until 10:30pm, but that's ok. i know, i could have gone into la and done some sightseeing, but, unfortunately, 8 weeks of not being paid has left me somewhat broke... and the air nz lounge will feed me and fill me with the beverage of my choice all day long, while giving me free internet access, so it isn't too bad.

maybe i should download something.... hmmm...

while i was in the states, i did manage to download about 40gb of anime - very exiting. i'm really enjoying having a computer. i feel so grown up.

i got a wicked camera backpack the other day - it holds my camera and my laptop with a whole extra section for personal stuff. this makes travelling with both camera and laptop much more practical. of course, it is a bit on the heavy side with everything in it, but that's ok.

cross your fingers that my requested upgrade to business class is granted.... i can't wait to be home.

still here....

2008-06-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

hi. it's been a while since i've taken any time to write here.

i've been in chicago for nearly 7 weeks and i'm having a great time hanging out with the family. i'm very excited that tomorrow my friend pat will be here though. 7 weeks of just my family is starting to grate on me. they are great and all, but i'm ready to have a life again. so this week end, i hang out with pat - who i haven't seen since august 2004!

and then next friday, lydia arrrives! can't wait.

56 hours

2008-04-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

56 hours. that's how long i have until i get on a plane to head back to the northern hemisphere. this time, however, i'm heading to the states to spend time with my family. specifically, i'll be nannying for my now 4 week old nephew, cooper. exciting.

in the next 56 hours, i need to finish my two operational plans, write a business case, write my bi-monthly reports, get my two budgets sorted for financial year end, do my performance assessment, write my handover document and write a contract for one of the most annoying providers on the face of the earth. and that is just at work....

in my non-work life, i need to pack, finish cleaning my room, bake a cheesecake, pick up my various medications from the pharmacy, pick up a bunch of gifts for my family, drink a lot of alcohol with friends tomorrow since it will be my 3 year anniversary of getting NZ residency and i'm missing my birthday while i'm away, go to brunch with some friends and a million other things that i'm sure i'll remember i need to do before i leave.

and, in an ideal world, i'll get to sleep for about 14-16 hours in there as well.

i should probably stop writing this blog and get to work!

need for sleep

2008-04-20T16:15:00.001-07:00

i went to the most fantastic wedding this week end. the bride and groom had hired an entire resort in the marlborough sounds for the wedding, so from friday morning through sunday evening, the whole wedding party was together. there was such a spirit of community and camaraderie - so cool. unlike most weddings where you either spend the entire night talking to the people you know or having the same conversation over and over again with new people, this wedding provided an opportunity for real conversations. what a cool way to have a wedding.

however, i didn't get much sleep and now am suffering from swollen glands, a swollen tonsil and a diminishing voice. i'm very much so looking forward to going home this evening and getting into bed.

dreams

2008-04-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

i've been having vivid dreams lately. the other night i dreamt about being in italy for my mother's wedding - to a woman (my parents are happily married in real life). i also had my own small helicopter that i was trying to protect from people who were burrowing under the property my aunt owned.

and last night i dreamt about walking along beaches in wales with shiloh and lydia. i miss being able to be around my friends who are far away.

its been fun having really vivid dreams - that i actually remember. this is not a usual occurrence for me. i wonder if it has to do with my more-sober-than-usual state of late?

the forever day

2008-04-10T20:06:00.001-07:00

it is friday. last night i slept for 12 hours - much needed sleep and i'm finally feeling human again, after a couple of days of feeling like something in between zombie and human.

but for some reason, time isn't moving today. and i'm not the only one that thinks so. it is only just after 3pm, so i've only been at work for just over 7 hours, but i swear, it feels like i've been here a week.

but i shouldn't complain. i've got a great life right now. i've just gotten back from the UK, where i spent nearly 4 weeks doing wonderful stuff with some of my favourite people. and in just three weeks, i'm off to the US to spend 9 weeks with my family. which hopefully won't drive me completely insane.

oh! i nearly forgot to mention that i'm an aunt again! cooper dawson jones was born on 28 march, weighing in at 8lbs 3oz. he's a cutie!

i'm seriously considering heading to the UK for christmas and new year's this year. what do you think?

home

2008-04-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

i arrived home from the UK on tuesday. i had such an amazing trip, one that reminded me how fortunate i am in my friends. and it was so great to be travelling again - i felt really alive for the first time in ages. so good.

big thanks to shiloh, lydia, tim, kim, sorcha, scott, tim, wani, jodi and jessie for seeing me off at paddinton station - wish i could have stayed longer! and my goodness, do i miss you all.

i might be back in new zealand, but right now, i think my heart is still in london. it'll just take a few days to catch up to me.

i heart islay

2008-04-01T03:01:00.000-07:00

i spent the past week end on the isle of islay, the furthest south of the hebrides in scotland. the primary reason for going was the eight whisky distilleries. i managed to get to 5 of them and they did not disappoint.

we stayed at a gorgeous b&b - the room was big and the bathroom was amazing (i didn't ever manage to have a bath in the gorgeous bathtub though). breakfast was terrific - and eleanor, our hostess, even planned our distillery tours for us - very spoiled we were.

on friday, we went to lagavullin, ardbeg and laphroig, with actual tours at lagavullin and laphroig. the making of whisky is pretty interesting and it was cool to see how, while the process is the same at each distillery, there are subtle differences in certain aspects (particularly the shape of the still) that give each whisky its distinct flavour.

at ardbeg, we were fortunate enough to latch on to a couple who were on a private tour, which means we got a private tasting in the 'chairman's room'. we were treated to 4 different varieties, including the 'lord of the isles', a 25 year old. yum.

on saturday, we went to bowmore and bruichladdich. bruichladdich was much different that the other distilleries because everything is done manually, unlike the computer operated machinery at the other distilleries.

aside from visiting and tasting at the distilleries, we managed to do a fair amount of tasting at some of the local pubs. on friday night, we went into bowmore for dinner and worked our way through the distilleries to which we weren't going to be able to visit. i give very high marks to the bunnahabhain 12 and 18 year old... so delicious.

the island itself is really gorgeous - i just loved it. i can't wait to go back.

london backwards in time

2008-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

today i am in london. it is easter monday and i've spent the day hanging out with scott and sorcha. mostly the day has been centred around food. i guess there is no surprise there really.

yesterday we went to a pub for a roast dinner and drinks. lots of cocktails. yum. you can't really argue with a place where you can get two cocktails for £7.20.

what was most impressive about yesterday's activities was that it followed saturday's activities. on saturday night, lydia and i cooked dinner for scott, sorcha, tim, tim and shiloh. we ended up going to the off license twice.... 14 bottles of wine later, we were all a bit silly. but what a great night!

friday was spent with kim. we had a lovely time hanging out and talking - it is amazing how you can spend 14 hours straight talking to one person and not run out of things to say.

in fact that has been really apparent during my time in london - i've rarely run out of conversation with my friends here. its great.

on thursday night, i met up with lydia and sorcha and we went out for cocktails and dim sum in a very funky place. we ate far too much.

i'm loving being here. i'm loving having lots of friends around.

before this week end, i was in coventry for 4 days at a conference. the conference was interesting and the presentation i gave went really well.

and the week end before that was great - those initial contacts with people i hadn't seen in ages, late night trips for junk food after drinking too much. seeing shiloh, for the first time since 2005 and seeing ben for the first time since 2002. happy times.

today!

2008-03-12T11:51:00.001-07:00

i'm leaving today! in about 12 hours i get on my first plane. and just about 28 hours later, i'll get off my last plane and be in london!

if you are in london, i can't wait to see you. x x

mishmash

2008-03-03T18:54:00.001-08:00

last wednesday night, i spent 5 hours in accident and emergency at wellington hospital. not for myself - my flatmate had been disposing of rubbish someone left on our property and something sliced her leg open.

we waited a long time. i though charlotte's fainting-while-in-queue trick would get us seen a bit more promptly, but no. after just over 4 hours, we were escorted behind the magic doors. to see a doctor? bah! don't be naive. it was to sit and wait for another 45 minutes or so, just in a different setting.

patience is a virtue, right?

anyway, charlotte got stitched up and we went home. but i'd spent 5 hours in a hospital a&e department. with lots of sick, coughing, sneezing, wheezing and looking miserable people.

i will NOT get sick. so, i'm drinking hot water with lemon.

repeat. i will NOT get sick.

it was fun people watching. after we'd been there for a while, a trio came in - a cute, well dressed brunette and two towering, well dressed guys with broken noses, bruised up faces and blood all over. they were also made to wait (not quite as long as us, i might add). sitting right in front of us, we were able to view the interactions.... the girl sitting between them, intimately caressing both of their necks and looking after them. what was going on? who knows. but charlotte and i had lots of fun coming up with various different stories.

had a great week end - saw robert henke (monolake) perform layering buddhas. amazing. then saw him the next night doing a dj set. and it was free! woot! aside form that, i pretty much slept.

8 sleeps until i board the plane... london here i come! i hope you are prepared....

not long now...

2008-02-21T10:46:00.000-08:00

three weeks. that's all. i'm very excited!

in three weeks, i will be in the UK. this means that i will get to see the following people, who are very close to my heart:

shiloh
lydia
tim
sorcha
scott
kim
ben
timmy
jessie

and hopefully some others as well. i also get to go to london, warwick, nottingham, swansea, bristol and hopefully islay for whisky tasting.

life is good.

crazy weather

2008-02-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

this is castle point on sunday. wow!

we got 24mm of rain in one hour on monday morning (from about 5am). i learned that the combination of torrential rain, car bonnets and open bedroom windows is not the best for sleeping. but the lightening i got to witness was great! i do love a good storm.

some days are harder than others

2008-02-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

today is a difficult one. i'm trying to focus on the many good things in my life. sometimes it is just not so easy to do. it would be better if i didn't feel like i wanted to throw up every time i try to eat.

on a positive note, it is friday and in about a half an hour, i'm leaving work for the day (because i'm not feeling well). and i get to have my hair cut.

i still feel good about 2008.... there is still something i want, to which end i am working....

these little hiccups along the way just make it more interesting.

right?

today i became a kiwi

2008-02-03T16:19:00.000-08:00

even though i've recently been questioning how long i will remain in new zealand, something has happened to make me think that i've finally become a kiwi at heart.

i'm craving pies.

after calling new zealand home for nearly six years, my brain/stomach have finally caught up with something near and dear to any true kiwi's heart - the savoury pie. until recently, i have to admit that this obsession for pie escaped me. i truly didn't understand what the big deal was. i mean, kiwis who are abroad actually talk about how much they miss pies. pies?!

but suddenly, and for seemingly no real reason, i'm suddenly drawn to the pie oven at dairies. especially on week end mornings - a pie and a 'v' seem to be the perfect meal after a night out. suddnely it all makes sense.

now i just have to gain an appreciation for rugby and cricket and regardless of my citizen status, i will indeed be a kiwi.

long lazy days

2008-01-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

something new is happening to me. i'm loving summer. i mean, really loving it. i've always preferred the in between seasons, and would generally take winter over summer even. but this year, there is something about summer that is just great.

one thing that is possibly changing my view of summer is that i live across the street from the beach. now, i don't spend that much time at the beach, but just being able to look out my window at the harbour and see sand... lovely. of course, the sand has its downside as well. nothing like a windy wellington day, as always. now though, windy days in wellington, if paired with an open bedroom window, means sand in my bed. i guess i can deal with that.

another reason i'm loving summer? we had a terrible one last year. so its been a long time coming.

one thing that summer is definitely doing to me this year is sapping all my desire to work (ok, so i never really had much desire to work - maybe it is sapping my desire to do what society would like me to do). it does seem to be having this effect on lots of people though.

you will get sick of hearing about this, but.... six and a half weeks until i'm in the UK. i can't wait.

difficult but ultimately good week end

2008-01-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

this past week end was a long week end, due to wellington anniversary day. after having such a good amount of holiday in the weeks leading up to and directly after christmas/new years, i was eagerly anticipating wellington anniversary week end.

but then i got sick and spent a couple of days at home last week. on friday, i came into work, not feeling 100%, but at least feeling better. and i got quite a devastating email from my father. my mother, at the age of 63, has been diagnosed with alzheimers. she's been experiencing noticeable memory loss for the past nearly three years and the doctors have been calling it 'early onset memory loss, but not alzheimers'. well, in november, she re-did the battery of tests she has done before and this time, the doctors all agree that it is indeed alzheimers. not the best news, but not entirely unexpected and the bottom line is: at least now we know what is going on. she started on new meds about 4 weeks ago now and most of my family agree that there has been a significant improvement (for now). this is good.

and a really good end to this upsetting news is that it means that i spoke to everyone in my family over the week end. nice, long conversations with everyone. it was great! and, as was already planned, i'm heading back to the states for two months in may. but it has certainly highlighted the difficulties of living on the other side of the world from your family.

aside from speaking to all of my family over the week end, i also had a bbq at my house on sunday - it was tremendous fun. great music (thanks mucky pup and kyren!), great weather, great food, great alcohol and, most importantly, great friends. after a very difficult few days, it was good to spend hours in the sun with some of my favourite people and just exist in a happy space.

despite its ups and downs, life is good. don't let me forget this. x

fotos

2008-01-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

reflections on the surface of a natural spring

waterfall by whanarua bay

flora around whanarua bay

wharf at tokomaru bay

welcome to 2008

2008-01-06T14:12:00.000-08:00

so, here were are. 2008.

i've just had several weeks of holiday and today is my first day back at work. i'm not very excited about that.

but, i had an amazing holiday. the rest of the time with my parents was lovely. i really enjoyed nelson and the west coast.

and it was great to have my parents here - and great to say goodbye to them when they left. i love them, but three weeks is a long time!

christmas and new years was as good as they could have been, i think. the weather was stunning. the bay of plenty is gorgeous. the east cape is wonderful. i feel relaxed and ready for something.

i've made a decision. there is something i want and i've decided that i deserve it. so i'm going after it. what is this that i want? well, i'll let you know when i've achieved my goal [and who knows, maybe YOU are my goal ;)]. in fact, i'll be so deliriously happy with myself that you will probably have a difficult time shutting me up! or taking the extremely pleased with myself grin off my face.

i deserve good things. i deserve happiness. this year is going to be about recognising my worth and getting what i deserve.

delicious

2007-12-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

so, after a somewhat rough start to my parents' holiday (my dad tried to board the flight to nz with an expired passport - oops), it has been a really lovely time so far. we spent 4 days in the hawkes bay, then they spent two days in martinborough and now they have been in wellington for 5 days. tomorrow we are off to nelson (via the vineyards in the blenheim area) and then christchurch before the depart for the states next friday.

i have to say that one of the biggest highlights thus far has been the food. i guess that isn't so surprising, especially with me. we have eaten some amazing meals and my parents have been to some of the best restaurants in new zealand.

its also been great to have my parents finally meet my closest friends here. it is very odd to me that most of my friends don't know my family at all, even after several years of friendship. last night, my best friend, my parents and i went to the white house for dinner. we spent a few hours luxuriating over marvelous food, wine and conversation - a really really good night. i'm confident that my parents will be able to return to the states not only having had a good holiday, but also feeling good about what i have chosen to do with my life in terms of where i live and who my friends are.

holiday

2007-11-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

well, my parents hit the new zealand shores is less than 48 hours. is new zealand prepared? probably. am i prepared? maybe...

i'm actually really looking forward to seeing them, as it has been nearly a year since the last time. the thing that worries me is that they are here for 20 days... and i'm the only one they know here... for a girl who grew up with three brothers and rarely had alone time with her parents, this kind of undivided attention is a bit daunting.

i've been sure to plan the trip around wine growing regions of new zealand, just in case ;)

i love that i can say this:

over the next six weeks, i will only work for 9 days.

woo hoo!

planning for the trip to the uk is underway. i'm not going to be able to spend as much leisure time there as i had originally hoped, but this is for the best of reasons. i've had preliminary approval to take two months unpaid leave in may/june next year, so that i can spend some time with my family in chicago and be a nanny to my nephew. because of this trip, i have very limited annual leave i can take while i'm in the uk, since i can't take anticipated leave.

i'm looking forward to my new years, when i'll be driving all the way around the east cape, down through gisborne and hawkes bay and ending in wellington in time to go back to work. it should be great!

its fun to be planning trips and adventures. i hope you have some exciting stuff coming up as well.

a nephew!

2007-11-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

many of you may know that my sister-in-law, katie, is pregnant and due on 1 april 08. well, i found out that she is going to have a boy, which means my niece will have a little brother! how exciting. don, my brother and the baby's dad, is thinking that the best name for the little guy might be hamurabi. i'm assuming that is a joke, but who knows! cassidy was called 'dagmar' before she was born. he came to his senses that time, so i'm hoping the same happens this time!

here is the little guy's first picture:

leave

2007-11-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

well, over the next 7 weeks, i will only have to work for 3. i like this ratio.

my parents arrive in 8 days. i'm looking forward to seeing them and having some time off. and i'm really hoping that the 20 days they are here aren't too stressful for any of us. they shouldn't be - i've planned nice, relaxing environments for us to be in.

the next 7 months could be quite good for me in terms of leave/travel. looks like i'm heading to the uk for work in march - i'll be there for about 4 weeks. and now i am looking into the possibility of spending may and june in the states - to take care of my niece or nephew who will be born in early april.

so if i end up going to the states, i could end up spending more time on leave/travelling than at work in the next 7 months! i like the sound of that.

hand me the shovel...

2007-11-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

i may be digging myself a hole from which it will be tricky to escape....

ok. so. i've just been told that work is going to approve my business case to send me to the uk in march. this is exciting. however, it is dependant on them getting a return on their investment - i.e. i'll be expected to stay in the job for a while after the trip. this puts plans that i've been formulating to head to japan in the middle of next year up in the air.

i'm not sure how i feel about this. for one, recently, i've really been enjoying new zealand and wellington in particular. i'm feeling happy, i've got friends and a lovely place to live. so, would it matter if i spend another year here? and maybe went to japan in early 2009? i did tell the national manager that i was planning on having some significant time in the states next year, so i would still plan on doing that (maybe two months).

see, the trip the uk is an amazing opportunity. not only are there two conferences that will be really interesting and three research with whom i've got tentative appoints that are great contacts, but so many of my friends live in london, and some of them i haven't seen in years - literally. my national manager has encouraged me to take annual leave, even it if is anticipated annual leave, while i'm over there, so i know i would have no issue getting it approved. and by taking just 5 days or so of annual leave, i could be away for about 5 weeks. that would be a pretty significant time away. and, i could potentially have a stop over on the way back in hong kong....

is this a job that i love? no, not exactly. but i do like it. it is interesting. i work with good people. the company is pretty good to me. and there are opportunities for me within the corporation. is it my dream job? no. but i don't know what my dream job is.

it leaves me with a lot to think about. i was bad. i lied to the national manager. i said i had no plans to leave on a permanent basis. i feel guilty about that. but if i stay another year, is that really a bad thing? this sounds insane, even to me, but seeing my friends in the uk is actually more important to me right now than going to japan.

i guess that is more or less my decision right here, isn't it?

what do you think?

week end and other news

2007-11-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

so, it's friday afternoon. i should really be doing work. i've got a lot of it to do. but, it is sunny outside.... and it's friday afternoon.... i've tried to convince a couple of my co-workers that we should all just go have a meeting - at leuven, the belgian beer cafe down the road. so far, despite it being a truly excellent idea, i've had no one seconding my motion.

i've been on a mission every week end for the past several week ends. this mission has been a complete and utter disaster in every way, shape and form each time i've attempted it recently. the mission? to clean my bedroom. it's a frightful mess right now. but, this week end, i can feel it, i'm going to get it done.

and as a reward for completing my mission? i'm going to go out on saturday night. to see dj dixon. this will likely start at about 1 or 2am. i'm not expecting to be home before 6 or 7am. i am expecting to have fun.

i imagine this is a good representation of what i will look like on sunday:

and then i get to start next week. which is going to be a killer of a week at work. on a really super fantastic positive work note, i've submitted a business case which will hopefully be approved. if it does get approved? i spend three weeks in the uk in march/april 08. very exciting. i'll actually get to see my friends, most of whom seem to live in london right now.in other news, i've started japanese language lessons! very exciting. i can now count in japanese and say some basic things. i can also recognise 5 characters. only about a zillion more to go... hehehe.

i love guy fawkes

2007-11-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

yesterday was guy fawkes. as the text i sent to several overseas friends last night said: i love guy fawkes, i want to marry it. fireworks turn me into a little kid again, with that carefree happiness that you somehow lose a hold of when you grow up. a similar thing happens to me in lightening storms - i actually get giddy.

the morning was rather foreboding, with overcast skies, low hanging clouds and a light drizzle. but, magically, in the early afternoon, the clouds went away and it was all blue skies! the wind did pick up though, another worry... but, at about 7pm last night, the wind even essentially stopped! it was seriously perfect weather for the fireworks.

i invited a few people around for dinner and that was fantastic - bacon wrapped stuffed chicken breasts, roast potatoes, asparagus and salad. it was delicious. and after dinner more people came around to see the fireworks (i live on the waterfront, so had an amazing view).

the evening was tremendously fun - i got the 'happy i love everyone' intoxication going on (hopefully i didn't annoy the hell out of everyone). there was a great mix of people at the house, many that i had never met before and it was fun to talk to people and just get excited watching the fireworks and then lighting some of our own.

at one point, i was given a sparkler. i didn't get a chance to light it right away because the big fireworks started. i love sparklers. i mean, seriously, i LOVE sparklers. well, there were two young boys at the house - maybe 4 and 6? well, i went to light my (only) sparkler and the 6 year old came up and said 'you should give that to me' and i explained that it was my only one and that they are my favourites. he continued to insist that he should have it. i lit it and then he said 'my turn now!' well, i'm a softy - i (very) reluctantly handed over the sparkler and watched him play with it. then his younger brother came up and wanted a turn as well. i figured that if i didn't get to play with the sparkler then the older boy should get all the fun, so i made him share with his brother. i guess it was my good dead for the day.... but, boy, i really wanted the sparkler for my own.

i'm a bit delicate today, but i'm sure i'll get over that. i'm started japanese language lessons tonight! hooray!

where i'd like to be right now

2007-11-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

isn't it lovely? the day this was taken, it was warm and sunny. i'd like to be there now, feeling relaxed and enjoying the company of good friends and good food and good weather. anyone care to join me?

wellington on a calm day

2007-10-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

wellington is a beautiful city. espeically when there is little or no wind. these were taken on my walk to work one morning in september when the harbour was so glassy and gorgeous.

labour week end

2007-10-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

so, this past week end was labour week end. to mark the occasion, i hired a car and then hoped someone would want to go on little adventures with me. i was prepared to go it alone, but you know how these things are just much more fun with other people around.

luckily for me, kit was keen for some adventuring too.

so, friday afternoon, i escape work (hooray!) and pick up the car - a cute little toyota corolla, only 843kms on the speedometer. and then i went home. have i mentioned lately that i live on the waterfront, just across the road from the beach? i do. it's lovely.

at about 6 i went and picked up kit from work, where he was toiling away. from the e, we drove around the bays trying to decide where to get out to enjoy the evening, since the sun is still up until much later now - i love daylight savings! we finally decided on haughton bay. we had high hopes of spotting the whale (of some sort - there was much discussion the evening before on our way to the dogbox as to what kind of whale it was), but the whale seemed to have swum for different shores. instead, we enjoyed a smoke and some rock climbing and watching the sun disappear. you could see the south island. it was cool.

on saturday we had decided to search out the te apiti wind farm, which is about a 2 hours drive away. the weather was predicted to be shit the entire week end (pretty typical for labour week end really) so the fact that it was only sort of windy and overcast - but not rain yet - was heartening. of course, before departing the city, a stop at le moulin was completely necessary. the lovely ladies there even smiled and said hello, remembering me from my close to daily visits when i lived behind them. and then they asked if i was coming back tomorrow (they must be feeling the decreased revenue since i moved). well, duh, of course i was! i had a CAR! i could go anywhere i wanted (within reason)!

anyhow, as you can probably imagine, the wind farm was very - well, very windy. and very very beautiful. unfortunately the digital camera ended up staying in the car, and it wasn't bright enough out for the lomo, so i was only using my good camera, which had black and white film in it, so i won't be able to post any photos for a while. the turbines are amazing though - so tall and elegant, with their three blades spinning. there were about 90 of the turbines up and while they were all going the same speed, they weren't always lined up perfectly - and then scanning the hills, you would find a group of three or four that would be in perfect synch. gorgeous. if it wasn't for the fact that it started raining rather promptly after our arrival, i probably could have stayed for hours, mesmorised by the constancy of the turbines.

after the wind farm, we drove back to wellington the long way - through the wairarapa and over the rimutakas. the weather didn't improve, stayed very wet and windy (thanks to kit for doing a lot of the driving). then, as we exited upper hutt and entered lower hutt and suddenly had a view of wellington across the harbour - SUN! BLUE SKY! and best of all?! hardly any wind! it was a stunner of a day in wellington. fantastic.

so, we went back to kit's and picked up a couple of his flatmates and headed back to the south coast - the evening was amazing. the four of us climbed rocks and watched the sun go down. really lovely. then back to kit's place where we hung out for a while before i went home to bed. a girl needs her beauty sleep after all.

sunday - i woke up to amazing weather once again. warm, sunny, calm. kit and i decide to head to the coast beyond wainouiamata (i have no idea if that is spelled correctly by the way). its about a 50 minute drive from wellington through a quite beautiful landscape before you arrive at a very long and somewhat flat beach. we took a two hour walk along the beach, hoping to climb some rocks that proved elusive due to high tide. we finally settled on some other rocks that were quite cool. i managed to use all four of my cameras! after the walk, we went back to the car for a picnic lunch of baguette, brie, venison salami and whisky cheddar cheese. delicious! we decided to bbq at my house that night for dinner, so we headed to moore wilsons and picked up lamb racks and some other things and ended up having bbq'd lamb racks, chicken and veggie kebabs, potatoes, asparagus and tomato feta salad. it was very delicious.

monday dawned even more beautiful than sunday. at least, by the time i got out of bed it was pretty darned nice. as the car needed to be back by 5pm on monday, we decided to go to an old favourite haunt of ours - makara. i just love it out there and monday was no exception. it was really a perfect day. even though strong westerlies had been predicted, in truth the westerly was gentle as could be desired - refreshing but not cold or strong. we picnicked on left over salami and cheese, baguette and moroccan lamb sausages. delightful. then it was a drive home via johnsonville - along one of the prettiest roads i've ever seen.

over the week end, we managed to put about 600kms on the car - a good effort i think! i should get some photos up over the next few days.

posting

2007-10-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

so, it's been a while since i last posted. i was not feeling guilty about this until this morning. you see, there are three or four blogs that i regularly check to see what some of my nearest and dearest are up to (shiloh, kim, jessie) and none of them had posted recently either. but then, lo and behold, this morning there were TWO new posts from kim and a new post from shiloh. so, i started feeling a bit guilty for not updating my blog for a while.

this week end is labour week end in new zealand, which means we have monday off work. last year, kit and i hired a car and went adventuring all over the southern north island. it is an exercise that was so successful that we have repeated it several times on long week ends since. well, i've hired a car again this labour week end and i'm excited to get out and about!

one thing that we are going to do is drive north about two hours to the largest wind farm in the southern hemisphere. the turbines are 70m high and you can drive right up to at least one of them. on a clear day, you can even see from the pacific coast to the tasman coast! i don't know if we will be that fortunate, but i'm sure it will be wicked nonetheless!

getting people kicked out of fancy restaurants

2007-09-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

it's monday morning. i'm still full from last week and this week end.

it was a week of to-ing and fro-ing as well as eating. ah, the roller coaster of life, ain't it great? i'll be relieved when my mind decides to rest for a little bit, it seems to be working overtime right now.

had an interesting experience on saturday night - i live next door to one of the nicer restaurants in wellington and at about 10:30pm, i went to my room and heard voices outside the window by my bed. this isn't terribly unusual - patrons of the restaurant often use our drive way as a smoking area - but these were particularly loud, signifying that they were very close to my window, which means the individuals were further up the drive way than they usually are. so, i opened my curtain a bit to see where they were and lo and behold - there was a face right at my window! some guy had decided that right under my window was a good place to urinate! i knocked on the window to draw attention to the fact that i could see what he was doing, he didn't notice but his mate did and alerted the guy, who looked up at me, got annoyed and walked away. i went and told my flatmate what had happened - half horrified, half amused - charlotte was less than pleased. she went out and talked to them - and they denied the entire incident even though i was standing there and had quite obviously seen them. so, she came back in and watched from the sun porch to see if they did indeed go into the restaurant and, when they did, she went and called the restaurant and ended up talking to the owner. he came over to talk to us, we explained what had happened and he was upset about the situation.

the owner let us know that he never thought that patrons of his establishment would act that way. in reality, his patrons are usually rather obnoxious - putting cigarettes out on the boot of charlotte's car, being quite loud as they leave the restaurant, etc. i guess he assumed that when you charge $40 for a main, only well behaved people will be able to afford it. the thing is, this is a 'special occasion' restaurant - so when people go, they are there to live it up a bit, so they probably drink more than usual and are therefore a bit more boisterous when leaving and/or having a smoke. anyway, he went back up and about 5 minutes later, out of the restaurant emerged the guy who tried to urinate under my window and the rest of his party! so, it appears that i may have gotten someone kicked out of a fancy restaurant (although, in truth, given the time, they may have just been leaving without being asked to leave).

on sunday, i spent most of the day baking and preparing a birthday celebration afternoon tea for my friend susi, which was lovely. it's fun to do things for other people. happy birthday susi!

food... and more food...

2007-09-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

my culinary indulgence week continues. after feeling full most of tuesday as a result of eating so much with susi on monday night, i went out with kit to logan brown last night...

three courses of amazing food (i had babby beets with goat's cheese crostini, braised lamb neck with tzatziki and falafel and chocolate/butterscotch tart & ice cream), bread, coffee, four glasses of wine and a whisky.... 2 hours.... then home for more whisky.... a truly delightful evening.

i'm feeling very fortunate in my friends this week. i've really felt like i've reconnected with susi and kit and it feels great. it just really reinforces how much i love having one-on-one interactions with people, especially those that are nearest and dearest to my heart.

stuffed sausage week

2007-09-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

hello and welcome to stuffed sausage week. i've decided that is what i will call this week as i seem to have plans all week that consist of essentially gorging myself on different delectables with various different friends.

after a week end of stuffing myself (i had gelato. twice.), i started out my week day eating extravaganza by dining at 2-for-1 night at chow. delicious. susi and i both exited chow not entirely sure that we'd make it to our respective homes without exploding or collapsing. i then stayed out to have some drinks with jamie and chris, so at least i got about 3 hours of sitting around drinking before i had to make it home....

and tonight i'm off to a fancy restaurant just because. exciting! wednesday night, i'm off to indulge in some japanese food and now it looks entirely possible that i will go out for dinner on thursday night as well.

chris asked me if had recently robbed a bank or something, seeing as i can afford to go out for dinner so many nights in a row. sadly, no banks have been robbed to fund these gluttonous evenings. i just thought it was time to treat myself.

right on.

(even if i may more closely resemble a stuffed sausage than a human at the end of the week)

new bag. and japan.

2007-09-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

recently, things have been falling into place. thoughts, activities and opportunities have presented themselves in perfect formation, ready for action or inaction, as the specific situation dictates.

a recurring theme in my life at present? japan! i started considering the option of moving to japan for a year, and it seems like once i started thinking that, all sorts of signs and such pointed me in that direction.

the latest little connection? i bought the most gorgeous hand bag today. i mean, seriously, i LOVE this bag. when i got back to work, i was reading the tag, all about the bag and guess what?! it was inspired by japanese textiles.

serendipitous? perhaps....

pregnancy

2007-08-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

recently i've been having frequent dreams of being pregnant. mostly they have been good, comforting dreams that somehow make me feel safe. last night, however, i dreamt of meeting my parents at the airport in november heavily pregnant and having to tell them! not exactly what i would consider a comforting dream.

so, this morning i hopped onto google to find out what dream interpreters think about pregnancy dreams. this is what i found:

In dreams, anyone can get pregnant. It is not an experience that is limited by gender or age. Generally, it is a herald of creativity, virility, or wealth. However, there are numerous underlying themes that need additional interpretation.
If you are a younger woman who dreams of getting pregnant, but has no waking intention of doing so, it is likely that you are working through an archetypal transition into a new self-awareness. One of Jung's archetypes is the archetype of parenting or preserving the species. To see oneself engaged in such activity is to grow from being a child to identifying more prominently with adults.

i found this interesting. i'm certainly not claiming to be a 'younger' women, but i'm definitely going through a transition into a new self-awareness. as you have probably figured out if you read this blog i've been thinking a lot about where i am in my life and where i want to be. perhaps i am finally, at 33, beginning to see myself as an adult who has control over her life and her choices. and while most of the time, that is very invigorating and exciting, sometimes, it is also very scary. hence the frightening dream of having to tell my parents that their unwed, unpartnered daughter is pregnant!

enough?

2007-08-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

one of the questions i have been trying to answer for myself recently is how to decide when you have done 'enough'. when can you determine that you have put in enough energy, enough thought, enough consideration for every aspect of a problem, issue or situation before you feel confident about making a decision?

i guess this will vary from person to person. some people find it relatively simple to make decisions, even huge life changing ones. others, like me, find this an incredibly intense and draining process.

recently i've had to take a number of personality type tests for work. every one has conclusively determined that i am a processor. decisions are difficult for me to make without a full compliment of opinions, research and agonising personal evaluation. and all of this just to make a decision, a choice!

but i guess that is part and parcel with the recognition that the choices i make every day - even subconscious decisions - shape my world. and they are my choices. so all the responsibility for how i feel about my life is mine.

it doesn't really make the decision making process simpler. rather i feel an extra burden of pressure to get those decisions right. because the last thing i want is a life filled with regrets.

cure for pain

2007-08-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

i finished a book last night where the protagonist ends up deciding to live in a world of thought, while letting her physical body die. it was a complex and interesting story, but i won't explain it all here, mostly because i'm still digesting it and trying to decide if i actually liked the ending. ultimately, it wasn't the choice i wanted her to make. however, the more distance i have, the more the choice that she made seems the only reasonable choice and if i had been in her position (which is, in fact, impossible - this was a work of fiction) i probably would have made the same choice.

however, as the reader, i wanted her to make the choice i wouldn't have had the courage to make if i was her.... interesting how we put higher expectation on our fictional heroes that we do on ourselves, while in the real world, we probably put higher expectations on ourselves than we do on other people.

anyway, that isn't what i really wanted to write about today. the book really hit home with me because i find myself in a cerebral battle of sorts these days.

i've always been one to overthink things, and as i get older, this seems to increase... but these days i feel like i am actually working on some serious life changing stuff - and stuff that really needs to be discovered, thought about and analysed. perhaps i'm only trying to justify my preoccupation with thinking these days, but i do feel like i'm on the verge of a big discovery about myself and the direction in which my life is going.

the exciting thing and the scary thing is that the direction is my choice. so, once again, raise your glasses with me and toast to making excellent choices!

hear hear!

cause and effect

2007-08-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about cause and effect recently. ultimately, i don't think it is nearly as straight forward as i have always believed. i had a conversation with a friend a while back about how our reactions to things are our choice - therefore, the cause is always internal.

for example, yesterday, i was trying to sort out where the electricity meters were at my old flat. i'd looked extensively for them, but couldn't find them. i needed to ring int he final meter readings in order to close the account, which i wanted to do since i no longer live at that house. i rang the property manager to ask where the meters were and lets just say that she was less than helpful. i got really annoyed and this conversation ruined my entire day - i was grumpy and felt persecuted.

my instinctual reaction to this situation is that the property manager was the cause and my reaction was the effect. but if you really think about it, the cause of my suffering yesterday was the choice i made to react negatively to the property manager and the effect was the anger i embraced for the rest of the day.

this doesn't excuse the property manager's bad behaviour but it does place the responsibility for my own actions and reaction where it should be - with me.

it is easy to see this when you take a small incident like that. however, when you start thinking about it in relation to your more significant relationships, suddenly i have a lot more trouble letting go of placing fault in someone else's basket. but again and again, when i really think about it, i know that my reactions are my choice. and my relationships are my choice as well. if i find myself in a relationship where, for instance, i feel like someone is taking advantage of me, it is only because i am allowing them to do so. i only have control over what i do and as much as i might wish i could sometimes, i can't control what other people do.

it's very scary to think about not placing blame on other people. but at the same time, it is amazingly liberating. i mean, it puts all the control of your life in you own hands. which, quite frankly, is where it should be.

life truly is all about the choices you make every day. so here's to making excellent choices.

relief

2007-08-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

thankfully everyone i know in minneapolis appears to be safe! i was very pleased to come into work today and see emails from friends letting me know.

i should probably write something profound about life and death at this point, after all, this is a blog. but right now, profundity is beyond me - i'm just relieved.

scary

2007-08-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

after a very productive day at work, i decided to check out the website stuff.co.nz to see what was going on in the world. and i discovered there has been a bridge disaster in the states. i was curious, so i followed the link. i was greeted with this photo.

seven people have been confirmed dead. scary. then i read on - this bridge is in minneapolis, where i lived for 7 years and where many of my friends still live.... i've sent off a slew of emails to check on everyone... guess i'll have to wait and see now...

advice

2007-07-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

"Nothing can really move forward until a choice has been arrived at. The moment you acknowledge what you truly feel - and then act on it - everything will improve."

these were the little words of wisdom that greeted me this morning. hmmm, i wonder exactly to which choice this individual was referring as there are a few that would fit the bill...

food for thought.

on another note, i had a really lovely evening last night - i hung out with my best friend and we did his radio show together. it was really fun but also really nerve-wrecking -- having to choose music for other people, to impose my desires upon others is not really a strong suit of mine. the show ended up being pretty diverse. i listened to some of it again this morning and even though it is scary to listen to my voice the way others may hear it, its cool to think about the people who might have heard it. i also got a whole bunch more music put on my ipod, so i will be spoilt for choice this week end. yay!

loved

2007-07-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

last night i got warm fuzzies up the wazoo. i made dinner for my new flatmates - a pretty normal dinner for me - roast chicken, roast potatoes and a green salad - and they went gaga over it. they were cheering and giving me lots of love, especially when they found out that this is the kind of meal that i make all the time. it felt good.

i also texted someone to see how they were feeling (they've been under the weather lately) and got a text back saying 'much better now that you've texted me'. awww. talk about making me feel special...

new house

2007-07-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

on monday i moved into a new house. its on oriental parade. for those of you who don't live in wellington, oriental parade is a street that runs along the wellington harbour. its a fairly upscale area, with lots of flash apartment buildings. my house is not flash.

it is right across the road from the beach though.

and my bedroom is at the front of the house, so from my bed, i can look out the window at the harbour and the cityscape. nice. it also means that i get all day sun in my room. very nice.

at last!

2007-07-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

well, the parcel arrived. and it is a good'un!

inside are 4 bags of goldfish crackers, 2 boxes of triscuits, 4 one lb bags of peanut butter m&m's, a whole heap of new comics to read and the complete series of 'firefly' on dvd.

so, today i am feeling content and happily loved.

pete wins best brother award of the day!

[he's cool]

still waiting

2007-06-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

hmmm. last week i mentioned that i was waiting for two things. and guess what?! i'm still waiting! this is enough to try even the most patient of people.

i've given up getting a response from my friend, as much as it pains me to give up that hope. i gave up my anger towards him, and now i just find myself disappointed. i'm saddened by the implications of his continued silence. but life moves on and i am confident that we will remain friends. i guess that is good.

the parcel from my brother - yet to arrive! grrrr! i know it is terribly greedy of me to be annoyed it isn't here yet, but i'm excited to get it! its filled with readables, watchables and edibles! how cool is that?! but patient i must be....

maybe it will arrive today...

matariki

2007-06-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

matariki is the maori new year and is celebrated in conjunction with the rising of the pleiades constallation (also known as the seven sisters or 'matariki' in maori). the maori new year begins with the first new moon after matariki’s reappearance, and this year the new moon rose on 17 june. celebrations of matariki last for the month around the rising of the first new moon. so, happy matariki!

why is matariki important?
traditionally, depending on the visibility of matariki, the coming season's crop was thought to be determined. the brighter the stars indicated the warmer the season would be and thus a more productive crop. it was also seen as an important time for family to gather and reflect on the past and the future.

why do we celebrate matariki today?
today matariki means celebrating the unique place in which we live and giving respect to the land we live on.

how is matariki celebrated?
matariki is celebrated with education, remembrance and the planting of new trees and crops signalling new beginnings. matariki was the optimum time for new harvests, and ceremonial offerings to the land-based gods rongo, uenuku and whiro to ensure good crops for the coming year. it was also seen as a perfect time to learn about the land we live on and to remember whakapapa (ancestry) who have passed from this world to the next and the legacy they left behind.

waiting

2007-06-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

it amazes me sometimes how much we are contradictory beings. in general, i would say that i'm a very patient person. but oh my goodness, sometimes i am not!

today i am filled with a nervous energy. i'm waiting for two things.

one of these things i won't get until next week, i'm pretty sure. my brother has sent me a parcel, but he told me he sent it so i know it is coming and now i cannot contain my excitement. i want it NOW! apparently, they don't send mail/parcels by the boat anymore, so he had to send it airmail and it cost him a small fortune - he is just so lovely for sending it anyway. and i will have to admit, without realising it, he has picked a perfect time for me to have something heading my way.

the other thing i'm waiting for is something i don't actually know if i will ever get. this makes it even harder to wait for it, because i don't have an expected time of arrival. i'm waiting for a friend to respond to some things i have said to him. i really hope that he responds, as it will make me really sad if he doesn't. i'm worried about the response and i'm worried about him. and i'm worried about our friendship, which means so much to me.

i'm trying to focus on good things and making positive changes in myself. hopefully this will help to ease my anxious state of mind. and with a bit of luck, after a bit of perseverance, hopefully my waiting periods will be happily rewarded.

another lifesaver

2007-06-19T16:40:00.001-07:00

howard, you are amazing. thank you.

lifesavers

2007-06-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes what you need most is space. taking a step back and looking at something from a different perspective can hold all the answers. or at least one or two of them.

sometimes i'm like a whistling tea pot - i bubble and gurgle under the surface and then suddenly, with great force, i'm screaming like mad, blocking out all other sound.

sometimes what i want is wide open spaces, with plenty of room to run around and feel free. other times i need confined spaces, where i feel warm and safe.

right now i feel like i need everything. i need to bubble and gurgle under wraps and i need to scream and shout. i need freedom and i need comforting. i feel like a walking contradiction.

but you know what? as much as this distresses me, i'm doing my best to keep my head above water. and you know what is making this possible right now? i'll give you three reasons:

shiloh.

lydia.

susi.

my lifesavers extraordinaire. you gals are great.

stood up.

2007-06-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

this past week end, i was stood up twice. by two different people. the first, on saturday night, was by far the worst, as the person who stood me up didn't even act apologetic about it and he is supposedly my best friend. he simply made plans with other people. and to make matters worse, i had the opportunity earlier in the day to go out with other friends, but turned them down because i had plans with this person. and of course, by the time he decided that he was going to stand me up, it was too late to join my other friends. the second, on sunday night, as least contacted me and asked if it was ok to reschedule. i was disappointed, especially because i had literally been cooking for a couple of hours when he asked to reschedule, but i did understand why he wanted to reschedule and it was nice that he at least asked if it was ok. he also didn't go out with other friends instead - he just stayed home.

it seems to be a theme recently that some people think that plans with me aren't important, that if something better comes up, that is ok and i won't mind. and, of course, because of who i am, i usually say, no, that's ok, go ahead, do something with someone else instead. even if i really need the comfort of a friend, which i desperately did this week end.

in fact, i felt more pathetic this week end than i have in a long time. my saving grace this week end was my friend howard, who made plans with me for coffee on saturday afternoon - and actually kept them.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. in terms of being in new zealand, in terms of my supposed friends, in terms of pretty much anything. i think i am a good, kind, generous person and i don't really want that to change. but it seems like being this way only opens me up to being treated like a doormat. do i need to become a bitch in order to be treated nicely and taken seriously by people who say they are my friends? or do i just expect too much from my friends? maybe without realising it, i'm forcing them into feeling obligated to me because of my generousity, and then they end up resenting me because they feel obligated? i seem to continue to find myself in these types of situations, so surely it has to be a problem with me, not everyone else. but i don't know what to do about it.

pretty pathetic for a 33 year old, eh?

friday

2007-06-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

well, it is friday here and, as usual, i'm more interested in doing the crossword or writing emails and blog entries than doing work. so i thought i would attempt to add a few images to my blog, specifically some from my recent trips to new plymouth and sydney. someday i'll figure out a way to get some of my black and white stuff scanned properly and put up on the web, but for now i'm just going to put up some of the photos from my digi.

flirting?

2007-06-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

an exciting thing happened to me on friday night. i spent a long time chatting to a young man who seemed to be expressing some interest in me. although, i should say, i am quite terrible at actually figuring out if someone is flirting or just being nice. it is entirely possible that he was just being nice and friendly, but not flirting in the least. i guess only time will tell.

here are some of the reasons i think that he might have been flirting with me:

1. out of the blue, he asked me if i was single.

2. he made efforts to touch me, like reaching out and clasping a (very ordinary) bracelet i was wearing and asking about it.

3. he spoke almost exclusively to me, depsite being out with his sister and another friend as well.

4. he asked me a lot of questions about me.

5. despite being a smoker, he didn't ever go outside for a smoke until i was already away from the table getting a drink or visiting the ladies.

6. he told me he thought my accent was nice.

hmmmm. i only just met him, so i don't really know. do i want him to have been flirting with me? well, i was certainly charmed by him, and think that i could continue to be charmed, given the opportunity. so, yes, i would like for him to have been flirting with me.

you may be wondering if i flirted back. i'm a pretty miserable flirter - i get very self-conscious and i've been told that it is hard to tell if i'm flirting. in my own head, i was flirting - devoting attention, leaning in close (although it was loud in the bar, as we were sitting right in front of the band, so that may not have been obvious flirting), smiling, laughing, etc. and i encouraged him to get in touch when he is back from auckland.

regardless of what happens, i had a really good night and it was fun to exercise this little used mental muscle called flirting (maybe). and fun is good.

tempered excitement

2007-05-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

in just a couple of days, i'm off to sydney for a holiday. i've never been to syndey before and i can't wait. i get to go with one of my best friends. we're both on a very tight budget, so it is going to be a creative holiday - lets see how many cool free or very cheap things we can do in sydney! hooray!

the same friend gave me 4 rolls of film for my birthday, as well as a nice thick packet of photo paper. this is also very exciting. it means that i have lots of film to use while i'm in sydney, another free thing i can do! i've already been developing ideas about what i would like to photograph. a trip to the sydney fish markets is definitely in order - and not only because my friend loves seafood. those of you who know me might be a bit confused about my desire to spend time around fish and seafood - it is not a cuisine that i enjoy (although i do appreciate why people would). however, i can't possibly pass up the opportunity to take some photos of people doing interesting things.

my excitement over sydney and photography (and the TWO murakami books the same friend gave me, is he not the best ever?!) is tempered with the amount of work that i need to accomplish in the next two days. not only do i have to complete my annual performance review and attempt to explain why one of my budgets is nearly $500,000 underspent, but i also have about a zillion other things to do, like revise my programme website content and get two contracts put together and passed through legal. it might not sound like a lot, but trust me, it is!

but i feel like i am making headway, if not at work, than on a personal level. my birthday was really a gift this year - i got reassurance from corners of the world that i didn't expect. i'm still filled with trepidation about the future, worried about being lonely, and not just lonely in an intimate relationship way. life is more of a struggle than it was, say, 5 years ago, but recently i've been reminded that out of struggle comes beauty and that on an even more basic level, i'm not alone in my struggle.

that's nice.

the number 5

2007-04-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

today is an alright day. this is in great part due to the fact that as of 5pm today (tuesday), i do not have to return to work until 8:30am on monday morning... that is 5 heavenly days with nothing to do but what i want to do. as fate would have it, i've got a very busy 5 days ahead of me, with seemingly my entire social life for a year squeezed into 5 days. i may be exhausted by the end of it, but that is ok. it is good for me to get out and stretch my social muscles. who knows, maybe i'll even meet some new friends. that would be a very welcome occurrence in my life right now.

the other reason i'm not altogether fussed that i'm going to be extremely busy is that last friday, i bought a ticket to go to sydney at the end of may with my best friend. we're going to spend 4 days exploring sydney and i can't wait. its been a very long time since i've gone anywhere new and i'm desperate for the experience right now. well, in 5 weeks, i get to do that! and it means another 5 day week end.

things i'm looking forward to doing in sydney: seeing the opera house and anzac bridge, eating, shopping. taking photos (i'll lug my cameras around, fun fun). having to use my passport to get there!

the last time i used my passport to go somewhere other than chicago was when i went to melbourne almost 5 years ago. its definitely time for me to use it again.

and, this little trip just gives me a wee taste and will hopefully fuel the savings drive for a bigger, more extensive going to new places trip at the end of next year....

things are happening...

faith, hope and charity

2007-04-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

from the age of 4 until the age of 13, i went to a small catholic school called sts faith, hope and charity. interestingly enough, while the school was commonly called simply 'faith hope', it never represented anything close to faith or hope to me. to this day, these are two virtues that seem to remain caught in a different world to me.

faith.

to be honest, faith fascinates me. i think that i am jealous of people who possess it. and i'm not necessarily talking about faith in a god or religion. it seems that the older i get, the more experiences i rack up, the less faith i have in people in general, specifically in myself. i'm in a continual personal struggle to have faith in those around me and myself. i suppose a therapist would tell me that before you can have faith in others, you have to have faith in yourself. but isn't it a bit of a vicious cycle? i mean, you can have faith in yourself and other people, but if that faith in others is violated, then the repercussions seem to be a loss in faith in yourself. or perhaps that is just me?

how are faith and trust inter-related? can you have one without the other? i'm not sure that you can. i mean, if you have faith in something, surely you trust it? perhaps i'm just being daft even thinking about them as separate entities.

for as long as i can remember, i've been struggling to understand faith and, more importantly, discover faith in myself - belief in my own worthiness. occasionally i catch glimpses of a life where faith in oneself is obvious, but they always seems like such fleeting moments. what is it about my brain/heart that stops faith? is that something that can be mended? and, if so, how does one go about it?

hope.

without faith, can there be hope? sometimes i get accused of focusing on the negative, not looking at the brightness that some claim is all around. but without faith, isn't it logical that i can't rely on hope and that i instead focus on what seems to me to be reality (although i'm willing to admit that one's version of reality is always skewed from actuality, if that makes sense)?

brian froud is an artist that draws faeries and other magical beings. i've always loved faeries, as long as i can remember. there is one particular drawing of his that i love above all others. she is called the faery of dark despair and you can find a small picture and description here, if you are interested:

http://www.worldoffroud.com/www/faeries/goodbad/badfae1.cfm

she is drawn in blues, purples and blacks, except the tips of her wings, which are brilliantly yellow. she is described as throwing "her spell of introspective darkness, and you sink deeper into the shadows of despondency. her enchantment may last for just a few hours...or for many years. yet the hue of her wings reminds us that there is always hope in the midst of hopelessness". when i'm feeling particularly alienated from life, i think about the faery of dark despair and try to focus on the brightness of her wings and grasp that sense of hope. for some reason, a lot of the time, it seems to evade me.

charity.

charity is the one virtue that i think i've grasped. sometimes i think i've grasped it too well. i throw everything that i have, everything that i am, into other people and often sacrifice what i want or need to ensure their happiness. i've developed myself into someone who reinforces her own feelings of worthlessness by never making herself the number one priority. how can i expect others to recognise me as worthy when i don't recognise that in my self?

i feel like i am writing in circles and that everything comes down to the same bottom line - a lack of self esteem. i live my life for others, not for myself. and i cannot even begin to fathom how to change that. but the truth is, i've lost myself.

a first for everything

2007-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

well, here i go. this is my first blog entry ever. i'm a bit nervous about writing things here, not knowing who is going to look at it, who is going to be encouraged to read too much into what i write and who's opinion of me may change as a result. but oh well, i guess there comes a day in every woman's life where she must make a choice and deal with the consequences as they come.

of course, there is every possibility that no one will read this blog entry. i'm not sure that i mind that thought very much. in a way, it is sort of comforting, thinking of my words and thoughts floating out there where anyone with a computer could read them - and people consciously or unconsciously choosing not to read them.

today it is lovely outside. the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the wind isn't strong and there is a hint of real warmth in the air. considering the horrible weather wellington has experienced over the past couple of days, which has seen me wrapped in wool and silk, shivering inside and out, i should probably be out and about, embracing the remains of summer before they are completey devoured by the impending winter.

however, instead, i am sitting at my computer at work. when i woke up this morning at the ungodly hour of 8am (on a saturday!), i found that my head and heart weren't willing to face my flat, my flatmates, the glare of the sun or unknown people on the streets. so, in a sense, i am hiding away in my tower by the harbour (well, i am on the 5th level and have a lovely view of the harbour if i turn around...). i'm finding life a challenging event these days - every thing and everyone seems to be opposed to me, even if i'm the only one who sees it. i've lost patience with nearly everyone, excepting perhaps my neice and nephew, who i would desperately love to snuggle and play games with. unfortunately they are both in chicago, discovering exciting new things each day, as 2 year olds tend to do.

a good friend once told me that i was a firm member of the "otc" - the over thinkers club. what i liked most about this idea is that he included himself in the club - and it presented me with a sense of belonging, something that i had been missing for a long time. of course, as seems to be the way of my life, as soon as i get a tenuous grasp on a sense of belonging, it disappears with an earth shattering speed. is it my destiny to continually feel apart, on a separate plane, than the people around me? and why is it that i seem to find it so difficult to feel confident in my connections with other poeple?

another friend seems to think that all of my negative thoughts arise from a certain disasterous relationship that i had. the fact of the matter is this relationship didn't add anything new to any negativity i had about life or myself or anything. it simply reinforced ideas that i had and seemed to mirror so many other similar events in my life. is it a personality fault that continually makes me put myself in situations where i trust people who are simply not trustworthy? or is it just that i believe what people tell me because i want to believe it, i want to believe that i'm worthy of devotion and admiration and love?

love is a difficult thing for anyone. giving it and accepting it. it only gets more difficult when love you give is betrayed. my first experience of this type of betrayal is something that still affects me, twenty years later. and the scariest part about that is, despite exceptionally clear memories of this betrayal in my mind, the two other people present have no memory of it whatsoever, even deny that it ever happened. is it any wonder that i lack confidence in myself when i can't even trust my memory?

i have always been a trusting person, believing that trust is something given freely until it is violated. and generally with me, you have to violate it pretty severely in order to loose it. the biggest impact my disastrous relationship had is that i feel like i've lost the ability to trust other people - and even more so, the ability to trust myself. so, i guess that the relationship does continue to have a significant impact on me. the impact it has had on me is that before the relationship, i believed i was worthy of devotion, admiration and love. now? well, honestly, i can't say with confidence that i think i am. my whole life thus far seems to be examples of how i'm not worthy, with people continually abusing my trust and generous nature, sometimes the most cruel of ways.

of course, i realise that this thought process isn't going to help moving beyond my current sitatuion, which is one of lonliness in friendships and 'loveships'. i know there are some people who genuinely care about me and believe me, you are my saving graces. my family, as far away from me as they may be. shiloh, as far away as you are. kim, again, as far away as you are. and kit, the one person i see on a regular basis.

someday, i'd like to not be lonely anymore.